Sleep (albatrosscancer) wrote in dialoguebox,

outdated information-january 2004/transferred entry #3

i disconnected myself from civilization. identified and labeled and separated from what was brainwashed into me. by my parents. by movies. by society. by friends. by music. by other people i read about. by books. by magazines. by myself. by lots of different. things. i think and think. and think. and i turn my circle into a bigger circle and all of these things fill up my circle and soon i have to think more and more because the space in there is getting so cramped and uncomfortable. and the only way to make it bigger is to think bigger and faster. and i see that. we do have time. and i see that things take too long to get to and that is what makes life short. and that life isn't short it is long. long. meaning carefully long. cautiously long. responsibly long. smartly long. and for some easily long. others long. is hard. hard and long..ha. but yess. and i disconnect from time to time. often. disconnect from. everything i ever knew everything i ever thougght defined just who i am. i disconnect and no one. exists. not me. not the earth. not the air. no one exist because nothing is recognized and nothing is labeled and identified. and the past is a fairy tale. and the future a can't see at all. and the present is so jumbled and confused and blank. and blurry. and i don't know how to get there. so i just walk forward. and forget. and remember. so that forgotten things and remembered things clash and keep each other busy..

and then there it is again. that nothing. that thing that makes sense because it is the only thing that tells the truth. which is absolutely nothing. and you can clearly see that. and that is why it makes sense because you know. what it's saying. and you can't stick toothpicks in it. and you can't poke and touch it. and you say it's just a bunch of junk i say. and you pretend that it doesn't exist and come to find that you don't even have to pretend because it really doesn't and that is what makes it so clear. and that is what makes it confusing. and that is what makes it so understandable and is what makes it into morse code. and that is what turns civilization into invention. and is what makes question marks come up everywhere. because it isn't true. what is true is what exists and what is fake is what exists and what you can touch and sense with your senses is what is what exists. isn't it? isn't it isn't? and then i get confused and then i know we have done this before haven't we haven't we haven't we haven't. and then i am not so slammed to the ground. and then i am not so bewildered. and then i know that the bridge is burned. and i know. that we lost the map to where we were going. and that you can just find it again. anyway. so it doesn't matter. and then it turns around. and then it goes down but up at the same time. and then i'm back. to square one. but it doesn't look the same anymore. because it has become square 2. square one. was erased because of your cycles.
but okay. then you have to comeback. because it doesn't work if you don't. you have to back because you are outnumbered. and numbers are what count. numbers are what make perfect sense here. numbers can tell you everything. numbers are what people understand worldwide. and when you are worldwide. you are communicating faster. much faster.
and then i could turn around with the click of a button. with the sound of others. with that one song that has been stuck in my head so long. with that joke i have laughed at before. with the words i want to hear come out of your mouth. with that movie i knew was going to be good. with that movie i have seen many times before. with that pizza i have been craving. with that face that i have never seen you make. with that joke you haven't told me yet. with that look on that guy's face that just makes me laugh. because i want to. with that song that makes me sad when i hear it. just for a little while. with those people that i have been wanting to hang out with for more than a week. with a poem i never read until today. with that meal i have never ate before but the name of it and it's description sounded good. with that picture i took. with that red piano i borrowed. with that thing that i makes music when you wind it. i took it out of a little statue of a girl in a dress. she is holding an umbrella. ..
and i turn around. and i am in the water again. and i can swim this time. i swear i won't drown. i sware you won't have to throw me a lifesaver. and i swear i won't let you down.
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