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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries.


  2006.01.31  13.59
case of the splits

when i walk through my life i like to split myself into three people. we each have our own strong characteristic and we can all converse, criticize, yell, contradict, agree and such. as if i am never alone and always in company. it makes it much easier to deal with being a lonely person. although sometimes it's just stupid to conduct myself in this way there are other times where i make excellent points and have no interest in another person's opinion.
but what are you scared to have someone else challenge you?
someone who does not go along with your rules?
but i have no rules in discussion of things everything goes.
my only concern is that i can find nowhere to connect with the other person and all that follows is silence. not even akward silence but BORING silence.
but shouldn't it be you that finds the connection if none is there. after all why should it have to be the other person with interesting topics and flowing dialogue. why isn't you who can be the catalyst.?
i think you are correct.
i know i am correct. There is no trouble and also there aren't three of us there is only you. there is only me. get real.


  2005.12.28  20.03
correction and new information

CORRECTION as follows = :DELETION: Deletion as has been explained before is not working for me. in fact it is impossible. nothing that has been recorded in our minds can be "deleted out of existence" it can be ignored, it can be changed into something new or something unrecognizable but there is just no way that something that is remembered and was once in fact existing can no longer exist at all.
but there are other techniques i have picked up that can work just as effectively as those i mention before. the goal of these techniques is not to forget and push away back as far as your memory will go. NO. this is to make your negative experience change into something better.

Before we start let's discuss our ablity. Our mind is capable of recording images and experiences. We are also able to create images and slideshows. for example picture right now a green square. now rotate the square in any direction you wish. rotate. rotate....... now stop the rotating. switch the color to blue and watch the square disappear.

okay. now.

remember a badnogood experience that you want to change..
Put it into a slide and place it in front of you. make sure this experience is not too intense and dramatic. this technique is not intended to fix a deep deep embedded personal dramatization. okay now you have the slide in front of you. now play that memory forward. notice how you experience that memory, how you feel after going through it.. now rewind it and pause. before you play it again, in it's frozen position turn the brightness of the memory way way down and make it into a very small small square. now play it forward again and notice how you experience the memory now..
Play it forward again and this time place some funny tune or some circus music in the background. how do you experience the memory now?....do you experience it in the same way as before? can you go playback the memory and feel the same way you did the first time? for some this is enough to feel better. but for those who aren't there yet or those who just want to continue there is still more to go.
now put the changed tiny turned down memory and place it to the bottom corner of vision right or left it doesn't matter. now think of a good experience you had. a nice one. and place it in a slide in front of you. remember everything remember the exquisite colors. and the rich smells. remember how your arms and legs were feeling. remember the air filling your chest and stomach as it is now as you breathe. remember the sounds you heard. now play this memory forward and turn the brightness way way up. now enlarge the image. enlarge it as much as you can. and make it bright bright. notice how you experience this enlarged brightened memory now..
now that you have this good memory enlarged and brightened place it to the side. bring that tiny bad one up again. now place the big bright good memory on top of the bad one. notice how you experience the bad memory now.
if you don't experience the memory the same way you did when you started then your memory and your reaction has changed. You have changed.

The whole point to this technique is to change the way you experience situations. if you are carrying around big brightened negative depressing memories in your gallery of images then your good ones are being forgotten and suppressed. and it makes no sense to walk around feeling and living in the mood you were when undesirable experiences occured. if you're carrying around enlarged brightened good great memories then you are more inclined to look for similar situations and you'll find it easy to react to things just like you did before.


  2005.08.13  21.46
You and Me we are Three

the human mind is capable of three definite actions. one is Deletion. Deletion. Deletion. You and me we are able to take any piece information that has been recorded into our skulls and delete it out of existence. There is an exercise i came across once that can help develop this action. First, of course, you've got to single out the information. since we record in a piece by piece sort of way it is easy to find. when we record information or memories we only record a certain piece. that piece is filled with great intensity or emotion so it is hard to forget. the rest of the puzzle that is a memory we sometimes get right but for the most part it is made up. It's like having a superhuge piece of a puzzle and a couple of little ones. So we have found the piece we want to delete. we play it over and over again in a loop. but we play it forward first then in reverse. forward reverse then speed it up. forward reverse forward reverse. and speed it up some more.forward reverse forward reverse. and more. forwrevardersefreorvewarserd. and more until it is moving at such a speed that it turns into a couple of seconds of screechy accelerated noise. at the end we make a visual for the noise. I make sparky electricity and turn it into a circle and we watch the sparky noise float out into the distance. it floats so far it looks like a star then we make the star disappear in a flash. then there is no noise what so ever.

another action is Generalization. Generalization helps us come to grips with a world that is infinite. with billions upon billions ups downs lefts rights sideways diagnols and cris-crosses existing in our world we are able to convince ourselves that these billions can be summed up and explained in a few straight lines. when a new experience is somewhat similar to one that we have recorded already then we are able to force the new piece into an old pattern. and soon what was once a small piece of new, confusing, and complicated becomes part of the big old, boring and general.

the third action is Distortion. every experience is different for different folks. but some experiences that have made a pattern for themselves and can be found to follow a trail that leads from a to b then c. for example, let's say a black cat passes in front of you. some might react with,'oh darn, bad luck.' or some might not even notice. a-b-c.
these reactions are common and almost automatic. but we have the ability to distort this experience, either consciously or subconciously. i do it consciously. some of us distort simply for a kick. because we are able to. i will remember things that had happpened in my day that were a little depressing and turn it into turmoil and i will pair up experience x y and z and link it to this a b and c. and i will also blame experience u and v as the cause of x and y which wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for r s and t. and i will say of course now this cat is crossing me and i will be in such a mood that my insides twist and turn and i want to bite into my arm. others do it subconsciously. this usually causes pain, depression, or the crazies.


  2005.07.14  21.20

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens?


  2005.07.09  11.20

i have so much to
do today there is zero
humor to be found

its bedtime and we
dont know how to interact
with anyone else

teary tension in
my eyes yes im serious
about the commune

sound proximity
to everything the mallards
have babies they dont

ik houd van haan to
zuigen zeenporn carpenter
work it may have been

of the heaviness
the internal unconscious
fabrications where

wonderful goodness
gracious maintanence control
cope copout lazy


  2005.04.14  14.01
outdated information- November 2003-/transferred entry #4

once we stop moving stop acting stop trying so hard stop making up stop being what we think is alive what we think is purpose what we think is right what we think is wrong what we think is is is is is is. stop imagining the impossible is impossible stop thinking thinking is thinking. stop everything we have been taught because we've been taught by losers who were taught by liars who were taught by snakes who were taught by whores who were taught by pimps who were taught by their asshole fathers who were beaten by their fag grandfathers who just wanted to die anyway because they had no clues to follow. what are we constantly doing as we walk as we try as we sing and dance as we play, nothing. because it can all end tonight. nothing is all we have. look at your face and look at it hard because that is all you are. a brain covered by flesh and bones. flesh and bones who's only real purpose is to serve the nervous system. to serve the brain. to feed it and keep it occupied like it wants. we are a virus on the earth. eating it;s green vegetation and turning it brown and disgusting. we are a virus who's only purpose is to spread and spread and turn every virus similar to it exactly like it. we are superior to animals. we are superior to insects. we are kings not peasants. we are the ultimate. we are our own gods. we have what it takes. we don't need you. you need us. we all need each other. we all love each other. we all want to ffuck each other i want you i need you. i love you. i am desperate. i am confident. i am what you love. i am what you need. i am what you desire. i am all that is good. i am all that can be done. i am what the world needs today. i am a slob. i am a maid. i am a leader. nothing is the matter. nothing is matter. I am me alone. i don't want this anymore. yes i do. i want this i love this this all there is everything else is a phony. this the only dance there is. this the only one. only one thing to it. it's easy it isn't hard it isn't difficult it isn't unnnatural this is common sense this something you already know this the only dance there is .
okay. okay. i am listening to this song. and i can't think my mind is going fast, right now. make it go so fast it starts to go slow. make it go fast think of anything think of what you like what you fear what you lick. think of it all at once think of the past think of the future think of the present think of alll of those moments of your life think about them hard and fast like a firework. think of them fast fast like sperm speeding into an egg like all of these people in a big city skyscraper street and see them bouncing and running into each other with the sky changing from night into day real fast. think of all of those people you loved to be with at the time think of those days when everything just went right think of all of the times you've been having think about them think think thinnk think of how you came to be at this place you are right now staring at this computer think about that. remember everything remember it all remember all of those dreams remember all of those times that were funny. i don't care remember it's all relative it all makes perfect sense. because it doesn't make any sense....then we are in a rowboat. in the middle of the water. spinning in a circle . no just the camera is spinning. i am sitting you are laid with your arms out. the water is dark because the sun is setting the sky is purple and red and pink and orange. there's a thermos of drink in the boat but you can't see it too good because of the shadow and all.


  2005.04.14  13.36
outdated information-january 2004/transferred entry #3

i disconnected myself from civilization. identified and labeled and separated from what was brainwashed into me. by my parents. by movies. by society. by friends. by music. by other people i read about. by books. by magazines. by myself. by lots of different. things. i think and think. and think. and i turn my circle into a bigger circle and all of these things fill up my circle and soon i have to think more and more because the space in there is getting so cramped and uncomfortable. and the only way to make it bigger is to think bigger and faster. and i see that. we do have time. and i see that things take too long to get to and that is what makes life short. and that life isn't short it is long. long. meaning carefully long. cautiously long. responsibly long. smartly long. and for some easily long. others long. is hard. hard and long..ha. but yess. and i disconnect from time to time. often. disconnect from. everything i ever knew everything i ever thougght defined just who i am. i disconnect and no one. exists. not me. not the earth. not the air. no one exist because nothing is recognized and nothing is labeled and identified. and the past is a fairy tale. and the future a can't see at all. and the present is so jumbled and confused and blank. and blurry. and i don't know how to get there. so i just walk forward. and forget. and remember. so that forgotten things and remembered things clash and keep each other busy..

and then there it is again. that nothing. that thing that makes sense because it is the only thing that tells the truth. which is absolutely nothing. and you can clearly see that. and that is why it makes sense because you know. what it's saying. and you can't stick toothpicks in it. and you can't poke and touch it. and you say it's just a bunch of junk i say. and you pretend that it doesn't exist and come to find that you don't even have to pretend because it really doesn't and that is what makes it so clear. and that is what makes it confusing. and that is what makes it so understandable and is what makes it into morse code. and that is what turns civilization into invention. and is what makes question marks come up everywhere. because it isn't true. what is true is what exists and what is fake is what exists and what you can touch and sense with your senses is what is what exists. isn't it? isn't it isn't? and then i get confused and then i know we have done this before haven't we haven't we haven't we haven't. and then i am not so slammed to the ground. and then i am not so bewildered. and then i know that the bridge is burned. and i know. that we lost the map to where we were going. and that you can just find it again. anyway. so it doesn't matter. and then it turns around. and then it goes down but up at the same time. and then i'm back. to square one. but it doesn't look the same anymore. because it has become square 2. square one. was erased because of your cycles.
but okay. then you have to comeback. because it doesn't work if you don't. you have to back because you are outnumbered. and numbers are what count. numbers are what make perfect sense here. numbers can tell you everything. numbers are what people understand worldwide. and when you are worldwide. you are communicating faster. much faster.
and then i could turn around with the click of a button. with the sound of others. with that one song that has been stuck in my head so long. with that joke i have laughed at before. with the words i want to hear come out of your mouth. with that movie i knew was going to be good. with that movie i have seen many times before. with that pizza i have been craving. with that face that i have never seen you make. with that joke you haven't told me yet. with that look on that guy's face that just makes me laugh. because i want to. with that song that makes me sad when i hear it. just for a little while. with those people that i have been wanting to hang out with for more than a week. with a poem i never read until today. with that meal i have never ate before but the name of it and it's description sounded good. with that picture i took. with that red piano i borrowed. with that thing that i makes music when you wind it. i took it out of a little statue of a girl in a dress. she is holding an umbrella. ..
and i turn around. and i am in the water again. and i can swim this time. i swear i won't drown. i sware you won't have to throw me a lifesaver. and i swear i won't let you down.


  2005.04.11  00.08

you know... anything I had to say to infinity minus 2 (the way in and way out) has been lost in the fray of the sound of you signing in.


  2005.04.10  13.22

are we we are creatures. living on a planet that orbits around a burning star. a planet floating in black space. stars and planets,. moons and galaxies. flesh and bones. nerves and blood. air and water. cells and organs. a form of matter living and breathing and taking action. air is like like water we are swimming and moving through a sea of air. surrounded completely from head to toe. we have arms. we have eyes we have legs. and fingers. nostrils. our eyes are black holes covered by transparent flesh. we observe and imagine and look and our minds tinker and toil day and night to come up with a comprehension of the concept of existence. and this is good fun.
an operating system covered, protected, sustained, and maintained by a skeleton and functional flesh. i want to put intensity away for a while and instead of sharp pointy icicles bursting out out of my skull insisting that the information it has come across requires immediate attention and wide-eyed action, there will be holes opening slowly like lazy eyes all over the surface of my mind and out of the holes will come warm syrupy liquid ideas flowing smoothly onto the grass.


  2005.04.09  21.00
transferred entry #1

sometimes my reactions are unreasonable sometimees it's like i have a small smalll conflict and i turn it and drag drrag it into more irritable annoying actions. it's like blowing so so hard into a tiny tiny waterbaloon to fill it up with air .
but is everything that is happeining internally with my own internal dialogue existing. because as long as an idea is unable to externalize is it in actual existence? almost like the tree in the woods falling but no one hears it. Except you would be the woods and the tree would be those ideas that are always making moves to my mouth tto speak it to my fingers to write it to my eyes to see it to my ears to hear it and so on and son but i make an effort to stop it i start to say something in reaction to an action and i don't like what it is and it's not what i want to say and block it and break into song or noises that scatter the thought that was about to form
the reaction that wants to be externalized but has yet to pass through the thought process that usually cancels it out and blocks it and even now as i write it is not supposed to be here for this is the first step into existence for those ideas that are filtereed and now the desert road that was so neat and light gray and empty is now cluttered with cars and traffic and diesel truck accidents and people screaming out of their windows in hot hot sun. and spit is coming out their mouths s..

i feel better now.


  2005.04.09  20.58
transferred entry #2

i got this small trouble, you know. Are there certain things and thoughts that are supposed to be deleted during the thought process? aren't there things that people don't want to know. Things that you don't even want to know you think about? and i don't mean perverted things or "immoral" things" more like just small troubles that turn bigger {{{you see i have this small dog and i don't really want it anymore but i can't give it away or anything because i don't like to pass on doggies and have them change owners all the time and im kind of attached to the dog somewhat but it gets all stinky sometimes and i don't like to wash it and sometimes i wonder why i got it in the first place. other times i can't find my pants that i want to wear and hate going back and forth back and forth and i can't find them anywhere but there is no possible way that they can just disappear so i get angry and frustrated and I look and look and snap back at the people that ask me questions that are just the least bit irritable and then i finally find them but now i feel bad about the way i snapped back and i want to apologize but that would be too much of a pussy thing to do and besides it wasn't that bad it's not like it would make a difference they would probably forget, i know i would, it's not that important.}}} and there are plenty more situations like these. small thoughts that everyone thinks in day to to day life that doesn't cause much of anything more than a straight line to get from thought a to b. but mine i like them to go every which way and at the same time and they hit on thoughts z and y while from a to c to e with loops and zigzags. every zigzagging pattern eventually ends up with the same results a straight line pattern would. kind of. A straight line person would just say you don't have any trouble. you are just this or that. It would be a straight answer and a straight solution that is strong and durable and there would hardly be rational reason for disagreeing. zzzzzzzzzzz There are also extreme Straight Liners that can make an intense statement that calls for intense change but these have high risk. the changes could be extremely positive or extremely negative. either/or. nothing in between. Like saying to a wussy who is crying for help and drowing in tears, "You just need to stop being such a pussy" and that wuss would look up and snap out of his wussiness with wide eyes and say, "You know, YOU'RE RIGHT!!" but for me these don't work so easily because i don't like them to. I find those things rather boring and doofy.